Holding It In
These past two months have been a whirl wind. I don't even know where to start.
Back in August, Aaron was laid off from his job. This had been the 13th+ job change in about 5 years! We were done. Within three days, he was enrolled at the community college 5 minutes from our home. We now know he was walking in God's plan. We are still baffled he was laid off this last time, but have learned that's how God rolls. I am now married to a full-time college student. Which leaves me to be the primary bread winner. Or as he puts it, I'm his 'suga mama.'
I was holding it in.
The stress of being the bread winner is astronomical. I used to work to pay for gas and groceries and family fun. Now I'm working to pay major bills. No more time-back (unexpected days off), no more "sick days", no more giving shifts away and staying home just because I'd rather cuddle my babes. I traded all that for extra hours and 16 hour days. (I love being able to provide for my family while my husband works to live out his dream, it's just stressful.)
I was holding it in.
A week after my husband lost his job, I got a call. A call I've not talked about at all. The call that said, "This is mom, thought I'd let you know I have a mass on my uterus and need to have surgery" or something like that. The devistation. The thought my mom may again have to battle cancer (she has been cancer free for 10+ years after having breast cancer), devistating!
I was holding it in.
A few days pass and the next phone call comes. "I had my pre-op apt and they can't do surgery. I have an enlarged heart due to chemo from ten years ago." The pain, worry....so overwelming. "Please don't say anything," she says. And I don't.
I was holding it in.
Jonathan started 3rd grade and Aaron was off to college. I prayed we wouldn't see the doors of a therapist this year. Jonathan had some bus issues, but all in all had an amazing first week and settled right in. Aaron, he was meant to go to college. He is on track to succeed at school and be the amazing daddy and hubby he is! Change is change none the less.
I was holding it in.
A few more days pass. Again a call comes in. "I have cardiomagaly (enlarged heart) and the left side isn't working quite right. The medicine they have me on and the low sodium diet and weight loss should have me on the mend. Once we know for sure, I'll have the mass removed. Please don't say anything till we know."
I was holding it in.
A few days pass. Another call. "Your grandma is having some problems, she is having a pacemaker put in later this week." Um, what? What about YOU mom? Will YOU need a pacemaker? Thank the Lord, grandma came through with flying colors!
I was holding it in.
I had an appointment due to some stomach issues. They did a pregnancy test (Aaron had a vasectomy, so unlikely, but needed to be done), it was negative. I was a bit excited to think I could have been. But I know it's not in God's plan for us to have anymore biological babies. I also had 5 tubes of blood taken. I do not have the results yet, but am taking Prilosec and it seems to be helping.
I was holding it in.
A few days pass. Yet one more call. "The date is set. My OR is Monday the 13th at 6:15am. Don't worry, I'll be fine." Don't worry. Ha. What if they open her up and she's full of cancer? What if she dies on the table? What if she doesn't come out of anesthesia? I can't afford any time off work. OMG, what if she does die? I'd still have to work through the pain. What if?
I was holding it in.
Sunday, September 12th, I went to see Krist Northup at our church. You can check her out here. She is amazing. She can lead you to the Spirit of Jesus Christ like no one I've ever known. When life is tearing me down, I crank her music up. I enter in and lose myself in Jesus. Sunday night was no different. I decided it was time to let go. I broke. I sobbed. I asked for prayer. I begged God for forgiveness. I pleaded for my mom's health. I asked for my own health. I cried out for purity. I weeped for my "lost" family members. I cried. I cried. I cried.
I was done holding it in.
Monday, September 13th, my mom had OR. It was quick. Her recovery amazing. They removed a tiny mass and Wednesday, we learned it was benign!!!! Praise the Lord!!!!
I am done holding it in!
The Lord Jesus is AMAZING! He answers prayers, He gives hope, He provides, He is peace, He is love, He cares, He heals, He gives, He takes, He comforts, He defends, He forgives, He saves!
Back in August, Aaron was laid off from his job. This had been the 13th+ job change in about 5 years! We were done. Within three days, he was enrolled at the community college 5 minutes from our home. We now know he was walking in God's plan. We are still baffled he was laid off this last time, but have learned that's how God rolls. I am now married to a full-time college student. Which leaves me to be the primary bread winner. Or as he puts it, I'm his 'suga mama.'
I was holding it in.
The stress of being the bread winner is astronomical. I used to work to pay for gas and groceries and family fun. Now I'm working to pay major bills. No more time-back (unexpected days off), no more "sick days", no more giving shifts away and staying home just because I'd rather cuddle my babes. I traded all that for extra hours and 16 hour days. (I love being able to provide for my family while my husband works to live out his dream, it's just stressful.)
I was holding it in.
A week after my husband lost his job, I got a call. A call I've not talked about at all. The call that said, "This is mom, thought I'd let you know I have a mass on my uterus and need to have surgery" or something like that. The devistation. The thought my mom may again have to battle cancer (she has been cancer free for 10+ years after having breast cancer), devistating!
I was holding it in.
A few days pass and the next phone call comes. "I had my pre-op apt and they can't do surgery. I have an enlarged heart due to chemo from ten years ago." The pain, worry....so overwelming. "Please don't say anything," she says. And I don't.
I was holding it in.
Jonathan started 3rd grade and Aaron was off to college. I prayed we wouldn't see the doors of a therapist this year. Jonathan had some bus issues, but all in all had an amazing first week and settled right in. Aaron, he was meant to go to college. He is on track to succeed at school and be the amazing daddy and hubby he is! Change is change none the less.
I was holding it in.
A few more days pass. Again a call comes in. "I have cardiomagaly (enlarged heart) and the left side isn't working quite right. The medicine they have me on and the low sodium diet and weight loss should have me on the mend. Once we know for sure, I'll have the mass removed. Please don't say anything till we know."
I was holding it in.
A few days pass. Another call. "Your grandma is having some problems, she is having a pacemaker put in later this week." Um, what? What about YOU mom? Will YOU need a pacemaker? Thank the Lord, grandma came through with flying colors!
I was holding it in.
I had an appointment due to some stomach issues. They did a pregnancy test (Aaron had a vasectomy, so unlikely, but needed to be done), it was negative. I was a bit excited to think I could have been. But I know it's not in God's plan for us to have anymore biological babies. I also had 5 tubes of blood taken. I do not have the results yet, but am taking Prilosec and it seems to be helping.
I was holding it in.
A few days pass. Yet one more call. "The date is set. My OR is Monday the 13th at 6:15am. Don't worry, I'll be fine." Don't worry. Ha. What if they open her up and she's full of cancer? What if she dies on the table? What if she doesn't come out of anesthesia? I can't afford any time off work. OMG, what if she does die? I'd still have to work through the pain. What if?
I was holding it in.
Sunday, September 12th, I went to see Krist Northup at our church. You can check her out here. She is amazing. She can lead you to the Spirit of Jesus Christ like no one I've ever known. When life is tearing me down, I crank her music up. I enter in and lose myself in Jesus. Sunday night was no different. I decided it was time to let go. I broke. I sobbed. I asked for prayer. I begged God for forgiveness. I pleaded for my mom's health. I asked for my own health. I cried out for purity. I weeped for my "lost" family members. I cried. I cried. I cried.
I was done holding it in.
Monday, September 13th, my mom had OR. It was quick. Her recovery amazing. They removed a tiny mass and Wednesday, we learned it was benign!!!! Praise the Lord!!!!
I am done holding it in!
The Lord Jesus is AMAZING! He answers prayers, He gives hope, He provides, He is peace, He is love, He cares, He heals, He gives, He takes, He comforts, He defends, He forgives, He saves!
Comments
Proud of you for all that you're doing in your life. You're an amazing woman and I'm thrilled to call you my friend!
Many more blessings to you Jolene.
Naomi
{{hugs}}