Boundaries with Kids
Boundaries With Kids
FINALLY... the long awaited notes from Boundaries With Kids! Sorry it took so long! I did a teaching from the book at one of our Time-Out meetings. Great refresher!
*A child needs a parent who will be boundaries
-respond with empathy, firmness, freedom, and consequences
**This is how God responds to His children!
*Evaluate if you are responding to children's requests or problems
-say NO to demands for things
-address school/church problems- validate them!
-Resolve conflicts of power (child vs child and child vs parent)
-Help with peer problems
-work with dangerous issues..drugs, alcohol, sex
( you con start pretty young with this too...good touch/bad touch/privates)
*You are not creating a partnership! You are getting ready for battle with someone who isn't interested in cooperating with you!
**NEVER ask a child's permission or approval of the plan! Don't be authoratative either.
**It's not about "making" them do or not do!
***Teach your child to control themselves, do NOT control the environment!
-Maisa used the example of the garbage can. Don't move the can to a place the
can't reach, teach them they can't touch it!
Step one-Three Realities
**That there really is a problem, your child is NOT perfect!
-Fine tune the attitude/behavior
-Smarting off, laziness, intrusiveness.
-If you really want to know the problem, ask your friends!
**Reasons we deny there is a problem...
-guilty feelings, perfectionism (mom's, not child's), child is victimized, embarrassment,and the parents that just DO NOT want to deal with it.
**Parents need to let go of their own comfort and well-being if they are going to raise their child up to be responsible and caring.
**The problem isn't really the problem!
-Don't react to symptons, get to the deeper issue.
ex. Child is acting negatively...could be lack of attention from mom or dad.
-Parents tend to react in the crisis and when it is over, they back off, leaving the child boundaryless.
ex. Doesn't listen...Lack of fear of consequence
Defiant attitude...Lack of boundaries in entitlement
**Time doesn't heal all!
"wait it out, they'll grow out of it!" Nope, the tantrums will just get bigger!
Step two -Get support
**Reach out to your girlfriends and other support to hold you accountable and help you through it.
-Time-Out is a perfect place to get the support you need!
Step three-Grow in Boundaries Yourself
**"walk the walk"
-Kids can see the hypocrite, the liar, the one who can't say NO!
-They see it all and they WILL copy!
-It is hard for kids to grow if the parents' aren't!
*Spiritual, emotional, and in good character
-They will be, do, act JUST like you!
- Stop controlling and allow a sence of boundaries/freedom!
-Set rules, set consequences, and follow through without nagging reminders!
Step four-Evaluate and Plan
**The child
-Age is huge. Ex. <12 months, nurture w/ few boundaries
>12 months, train w/ NO to crawling on furniture, touching the TV...
**Maturity
-Trust
-Making and keeping good friends
-response to commands
-ability to disagree and protest
-Ability to tolerate deprivation
-ability to accept loss and failure
-attitudes toward authority
**2 Character attributes that are a MUST!
-attachment-connect emotionally
*Does your child know you care!
-honesty!
**Context - Understand the child's environment
-What is her life setting?
Ex. divorced parents/troubled marriage?
-Does the child have a disorder?
-Do they have a sibling w/a disorder or behavioral issues?
**Specific boundary conflict
-Problems with family rules, chores, school, friends? State it simply!
**Severity-How profound is the problem?
Address the bigger issue! Honesty, responsibility, caring, morality
Give a little when it comes to music, hairstyle, sloppy room
**Own Resource
-Your own issues
-Your life context
-Boundary-resistant spouse
**The Plan
-Write it down! Don't get caught in "you said..."
**The Problem
-Behavior problem-listening, late, fighting
-Attitude problem-talking back, insults, tantrums, whining
-DON'T use character attacks!
**The Expectations-Be clear!
-B grades, respond the first time asked, zero fights, disagreeing is OK-insults are NOT!
**Consequences-follow through!
-privilages, restrictions..think positively!
Step five-Present the Plan
**Introduce the plan "family meeting"
**Take an "I'm FOR you" stance
**"I see a problem that could hurt you or others..."
**Present the problem
-Specific..."Yelling and running in the house is disruptive to those around you and it's not improving"
-Present the expectations and consequences
-Negotiate what is negotiable
**Make the plan accessible...fridge, notebook, and sign it!
Step six-Follow Through!!!!!
Praise for adaptation!
Increase expectations as time goes on.
Let's try and help one another parent without judging. It's a tough job, and the more encouragement we give one another, the better parents we will be!
~Jolene
FINALLY... the long awaited notes from Boundaries With Kids! Sorry it took so long! I did a teaching from the book at one of our Time-Out meetings. Great refresher!
*A child needs a parent who will be boundaries
-respond with empathy, firmness, freedom, and consequences
**This is how God responds to His children!
*Evaluate if you are responding to children's requests or problems
-say NO to demands for things
-address school/church problems- validate them!
-Resolve conflicts of power (child vs child and child vs parent)
-Help with peer problems
-work with dangerous issues..drugs, alcohol, sex
( you con start pretty young with this too...good touch/bad touch/privates)
*You are not creating a partnership! You are getting ready for battle with someone who isn't interested in cooperating with you!
**NEVER ask a child's permission or approval of the plan! Don't be authoratative either.
**It's not about "making" them do or not do!
***Teach your child to control themselves, do NOT control the environment!
-Maisa used the example of the garbage can. Don't move the can to a place the
can't reach, teach them they can't touch it!
Step one-Three Realities
**That there really is a problem, your child is NOT perfect!
-Fine tune the attitude/behavior
-Smarting off, laziness, intrusiveness.
-If you really want to know the problem, ask your friends!
**Reasons we deny there is a problem...
-guilty feelings, perfectionism (mom's, not child's), child is victimized, embarrassment,and the parents that just DO NOT want to deal with it.
**Parents need to let go of their own comfort and well-being if they are going to raise their child up to be responsible and caring.
**The problem isn't really the problem!
-Don't react to symptons, get to the deeper issue.
ex. Child is acting negatively...could be lack of attention from mom or dad.
-Parents tend to react in the crisis and when it is over, they back off, leaving the child boundaryless.
ex. Doesn't listen...Lack of fear of consequence
Defiant attitude...Lack of boundaries in entitlement
**Time doesn't heal all!
"wait it out, they'll grow out of it!" Nope, the tantrums will just get bigger!
Step two -Get support
**Reach out to your girlfriends and other support to hold you accountable and help you through it.
-Time-Out is a perfect place to get the support you need!
Step three-Grow in Boundaries Yourself
**"walk the walk"
-Kids can see the hypocrite, the liar, the one who can't say NO!
-They see it all and they WILL copy!
-It is hard for kids to grow if the parents' aren't!
*Spiritual, emotional, and in good character
-They will be, do, act JUST like you!
- Stop controlling and allow a sence of boundaries/freedom!
-Set rules, set consequences, and follow through without nagging reminders!
Step four-Evaluate and Plan
**The child
-Age is huge. Ex. <12 months, nurture w/ few boundaries
>12 months, train w/ NO to crawling on furniture, touching the TV...
**Maturity
-Trust
-Making and keeping good friends
-response to commands
-ability to disagree and protest
-Ability to tolerate deprivation
-ability to accept loss and failure
-attitudes toward authority
**2 Character attributes that are a MUST!
-attachment-connect emotionally
*Does your child know you care!
-honesty!
**Context - Understand the child's environment
-What is her life setting?
Ex. divorced parents/troubled marriage?
-Does the child have a disorder?
-Do they have a sibling w/a disorder or behavioral issues?
**Specific boundary conflict
-Problems with family rules, chores, school, friends? State it simply!
**Severity-How profound is the problem?
Address the bigger issue! Honesty, responsibility, caring, morality
Give a little when it comes to music, hairstyle, sloppy room
**Own Resource
-Your own issues
-Your life context
-Boundary-resistant spouse
**The Plan
-Write it down! Don't get caught in "you said..."
**The Problem
-Behavior problem-listening, late, fighting
-Attitude problem-talking back, insults, tantrums, whining
-DON'T use character attacks!
**The Expectations-Be clear!
-B grades, respond the first time asked, zero fights, disagreeing is OK-insults are NOT!
**Consequences-follow through!
-privilages, restrictions..think positively!
Step five-Present the Plan
**Introduce the plan "family meeting"
**Take an "I'm FOR you" stance
**"I see a problem that could hurt you or others..."
**Present the problem
-Specific..."Yelling and running in the house is disruptive to those around you and it's not improving"
-Present the expectations and consequences
-Negotiate what is negotiable
**Make the plan accessible...fridge, notebook, and sign it!
Step six-Follow Through!!!!!
Praise for adaptation!
Increase expectations as time goes on.
Let's try and help one another parent without judging. It's a tough job, and the more encouragement we give one another, the better parents we will be!
~Jolene
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